I’ve been giving serious thought to the need for a “Waiting on God’s Timing” support group!!! Waiting is HARD. Waiting on something you feel would be pleasing to God and give Him glory, but is not yet happening is really, really HARD.
One thing I’ve noticed while in this season of waiting, is that waiting involves a lot of quiet time- and quiet time allows for noise to grow.
For me, the noise starts as a gentle hum of questions:
Is this ever going to happen?
Is this really God’s will?
What are people thinking about me?
As the wait continues, the gentle hum escalates in volume to a steady rhythm of doubt:
This is probably never going to happen.
God must be too busy helping other stronger Christians.
If I can’t do this, maybe I really can’t do that either.
Then before long the steady rhythm gives way to a barrage of accusations:
You’re not good enough.
You’re a failure.
God has moved on from you.
Waiting is not for wimps! And while it seems to be such a passive experience, the truth is waiting is full of action and activity.
I feel that in this period of waiting I am doing battle. Real battle. I feel as though an all out war has been waged in my heart and my mind. Doubts and accusations fly like missiles aimed straight for my heart- seeking to destroy my peace and trust in the Lord. Lies seek to beat down truth. Fear sneaks up to attack contentment. Defeat threatens to overtake victory.
What is fascinating is that this battle bleeds into other areas causing me to question many other things. My confidence in all areas of my life gets shaken. Not only do I question if this book of mine will ever be published, but I begin questioning my calling to write in general; my ability to teach others; my parenting skills; the kind of wife I am; even my appearance.
Yet yesterday, in the midst of this great and exhausting battle, came a word from my Commander and King. A word delivered by the sweetest of messengers.
Yesterday morning my insecurities were high and the battle just seemed too hard to fight. Kids were coming into our fourth grade class and while I greeted them with a smile, it felt forced. I didn’t even feel mentally able to teach the lesson (the lesson which I wrote but at the time decided was horribly written and boring!)
As I was praying in my heart- a very deep spiritual prayer that went something like: “Lord, help!” a sweet young girl walked up to me.
“Mrs. Jen, do you remember last week when you asked us to use our Bibles to find 5 truths about what God thinks about us?”
I did remember but honestly I was shocked anyone else did. We had been talking about putting on the armor of God and the importance of the Sword of the Spirit (God’s Word). I told them that satan’s favorite weapons are lies and whispers of doubt. We talked about how he used doubt against Eve in the Garden, and how the minute she questioned God’s goodness and perfect love she paved the way for sin to enter this world.
I told the kids that as they grow up satan will begin to whisper lies to them, causing them to question who God is and who they are to God. I encouraged them to begin reading their Bibles as if treasure hunters searching for the truth of who God is and who they are to Him. As a way of getting them to use their “swords,” I challenged them to write down 5 verses that reveal who they are to God.
This soft spoken girl preceded to share her list with me. I wish I would have taken a picture of it so I could remember exactly what she wrote, because my tears prevented me from seeing clearly. I do know she wrote that she was fearfully and wonderfully made, that she is loved by God, that she is His child, and that He loves to give her grace.
In that moment I heard the voice of the Lord speak right to my heart: “Never forgot Whose you are.”
I am still in a battle, and I still feel weary, but today is different. Today I remember that my Commander and King is also my Creator and Father. Today I look up into the face of Truth and ask Him to fight my battles. Today, instead of listening to the lies, I will write my own list of truths. Today I sharpen my sword, hold high my shield, and face the enemy- knowing that he must run in the face of Truth and Justice.
Will my book ever get published? I have NO idea. If it doesn’t, does that mean I am not valuable? Absolutely not! My value- my worth does not come from what I do, it comes from Whose I am.
And I am His.
If you are fighting your own battle today, I encourage you to actively wait by writing your own list of truths from God’s Word. Ask Him to show you how He feels about you- to remind you of Who He is and Whose you are.