The sobs wouldn’t stop. Couldn’t stop.
Fear of the unknown was too much, too powerful to stop. What if…..what if…..what if?
My body shook from tears held in far too long. I was set to get on a plane in two hours, and I couldn’t stop shaking. What was I going to see? What was going to happen? God, it’s just too much!
My son emailed me, “Mom, are you leaving today? Is Granddaddy’s surgery tomorrow?”
My tears dripped onto my screen as I emailed him back, “Yes baby. I am leaving today. The surgery is 6:30am tomorrow. I will call you tonight. I love you.”
Will I ever run out of tears? I picture my man-child trying not to cry at school. He is terrified of the what-ifs too. He is terrified of me flying. He’s old enough to know that there are no guarantees in this life and he is scared. I want to be here to hold him and his sister just as much as I want to be there to hold my dad.
“God, it hurts. My heart hurts. I just can’t. I can’t. I’m not strong enough. I can’t lose him. I can’t leave them. Daddy, it’s just too much.” I feel as if I will never stop crying, powerless against the tide of fear.
How can the sound of a word come from inside your ear? How can you hear a word spoken to your heart? My head turned toward my right. Did I imagine that? The sobs stopped instantly.
Peace my child.
There! Again, yet this time the word came from somewhere deeper inside my heart. My body stilled. My tears stopped. My breathing returned to normal. Instantly my storm was stilled. Instantly.
Fully expecting to see Jesus Himself sitting on my bed, I was amused to find a teddy bear staring at me. I laughed out loud, “Not quite what I was expecting Lord.”
But God knew what He was doing. My dad gave me that bear when I was 12 years old. That bear has seen me through many hard times. And today that bear served as a reminder that I have a God who can see me through anything. He gives more comfort than a stuffed animal. And He gives more strength than I can imagine.
And He can still calm a storm with one simple word.
I will be posting this the morning of my daddy’s surgery, in order to remind myself to keep my eyes fixed on the Giver of real Peace. The One who can calm a fearful heart with just one word:
Much love from this Daddy’s girl,