With all the craziness going on in the world right now, it amazes me that some of the fiercest battles I still fight take place in my own head. Maybe it’s an introvert thing. Maybe it’s a mom thing. Or maybe it’s just a human thing?
People often act surprised when I mention being plagued with insecurity. I guess I have learned to mask it well, or more likely people misconstrue my insecurities as confidence.
I remember well the time I gave an acquaintance a ride home from college for the weekend. Thirty minutes into the car ride she turned to me and said, “I was so wrong about you. I always thought you were so stuck up, but you’re actually really nice.”
Sadly, that was not the first, nor would it be the last time I would hear similar statements. My quietness, my reserved nature, my lack of comfort in social situations often come across as me being aloof, uninterested, or conceited. All of which become more fodder for my already overactive self-censure and running mental commentary. I’ll give you a sneak peak into my internal dialogue on any given day:
They are all staring at you. You so don’t belong here. What is wrong with you that it is so hard to make small talk! Just talk to her. Ok, stop talking no one cares. How can I get out of here? When can I leave? Please notice me. Oh please don’t notice me!
I so wish I had been born with an internal mute button!
With school award season upon us, I’ve been thinking a lot about my battle with internal commentary. I hate that I dread this time of year – the trophies, awards, and accolades. I find that, for me at least, the comparison trap becomes hard to avoid. And once I fall into that trap, the darts meet their mark very easily.
My head understands that not everyone can get a trophy. My mind grasps that not everything good we do in life gets honorable mention. But none of this stops the internal war from raging, “Your not doing enough for your kids, not expecting enough, not trying enough, not supporting enough…not enough…never enough.”
It gets brutal in my head sometimes. An epic battle. Lies slashing left and right, trying to silence the truth.
This post is hard. I have tried to delete this repeatedly.…fearing how it is going to come across. Fearing what others are going to think. Fearing seeing the truth in black an white for all to see.
But here’s why I refuse to hit delete: I am determined to drag the lies out into the light. Not daylight. Not limelight. But God light.
I want to expose the dark lies to the light of God’s truth. Not just the lies satan whispers about my kids or my parenting. But all of the lies. Every. Single. One.
I do not want to be at the mercy of these lies one second longer. They are LIES. Any voice of condemnation and accusation is a lie from the evil one. God does not condemn or accuse. He will confront and He will convict, but He will not belittle or attack.
Satan will shout his condemning lies: Look at all those other kids getting recognized. You’re not doing a good enough job for your kids.
But God will whisper His life-giving truth: “Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people.” Colossians 3:23
Satan will stir up anxiety and despair: You’re messing up their futures.
God will gentle and quiet with His love: “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'” Jeremiah 29:11
Satan will create chaos and confusion: Give into jealousy. Give into resentment. Listen to your fear.
God will speak and bring peace: “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” Isaiah 26:3
After all, He is better than any trophy. He is better than any recognition. He is better than any award or accolade. He is everything and He is enough.
Now, I just need to put that on constant loop in my head! 😉